Wolves Victory Ends The Hammers Championship Dreams

As the saying goes, "slow and steady wins the race." The Curley Wolves may not have been slow, but they certainly were steady in their semifinal win over the Silver Hammers. While the Hammers struggled to get points, the Wolves' had very steady even production from all its starters to achieve a 146-98 victory and advance to play the Texas Thunderbolts in the FFFL Bowl championship game. Six of the nine starters for the Curley Wolves were in double figures and three of those had 22 or more points. Maxwell's Silver Hammers have been relying on Tony Romo to carry the team, but the star quarterback's streak of fantastic play ended with a mere 15 points. And aside from another good game from Jamal Lewis (22 pts), the rest of the MSH starters just couldn't make up the difference. The Hammers will now face Las Cruces Fightin' Powderpuffs in the final game to decide 3rd place.

Silver Nuggets: Amid fears of increasing speculation that Tom Brady is actually a robot created in Dexter's Lab, Brady's handlers tuned down his performance settings to make him appear more human (14 completions, 140 yards, 0 TD, 1 Int). While the ploy appeared to have worked with the public in general, this reporter is not fooled. Robo-Brady still led the Pats to another win, staying on track for a perfect season... Frosty the Snowman made a brief appearance in Bucksnort late last week, but quickly left for Canada after seeing an Al Gore speech on TV warning people about global warming. However, Sam The Snowman stated in a MSH exclusive that the Gore story is "a buncha hooey". "Frosty's not scared of global warming. He's scared of those bogus outstanding warrants for stealing that magician's hat." Sam, who was sporting a Free Frosty t-shirt, went on to say, "Frosty's getting a bad rap. It was those hooligan kids who took the hat."... Initial reports that commercials being produced for the FFFL Bowl were ranging in price from $1 to $2 million are being retracted. It seems that the teletype for the newswire got stuck at just the right time and added 6 unnecessary zeros to the figures. Since the FFFL Bowl is only being shown on local cable access television in Aurora, Illinois, a further mystery has arisen over who is behind the $2 commercials. A spokesman at Right Knidder news group said the story was submitted by Campbell & Algar's Party-On Advertising, but a search for the business has only led to a middle-class Aurora residence.

Silver Hammers Win Big; Advance To Final Four

Maxwell's Silver Hammers spoiled Rich Chemistry's hopes for a repeat title by benefiting from its own "rich chemistry" of superstar performances. The Hammers 203-172 victory arrived courtesy of the continued remarkable season of QB Tony Romo (66 pts), another high-scoring day for RB's Jamal Lewis (30 pts) and LenDale White (24 pts), and the defensive power of the Seattle Seahawks (41 pts). The only cog missing in the Hammers machine lately is the 3-man WR/TE set who combined for only 25 points. Said MSH owner Erick Byrd, "The receiving corps has been slumping lately, but if we can get them to increase production over the final 2 weeks, we have a really good shot at shocking everyone and taking this thing. Of course, 75% of our success rests on Tony's shoulders. He will have to carry the team." Romo is second only to Tom Brady in fantasy points, who will undoubtedly be this year's fantasy MVP before being sent back to Dexter's Lab for an oil change and tune-up of his robotic circuitry.

Next week, Maxwell's Silver Hammers face the #1 seed Curley Wolves in a re-match of the week #10 game, which the Silver Hammers stole from the Wolves 143-109. The Curley Wolves will be hungry like the wolf for another win after a very close call victory over the Peon Gorillas, 155-152.

Silver Nuggets: After the surprise Beatles pseudo-reunion in the last game at the Quarry, fans made sure to stay in their seats during half-time of what may be the Hammers final home game in the playoffs. And what incredible act did MSH bring out for the big game? What act did they get to follow up McCartney, Starr, Lennon, and Harrison? None other than the vocal stylings of former "Gimme A Break" and "Blossom" star, Joey Lawrence. The child star barely got through his 1993 lone hit Nothin My Love Can't Fix before being drowned out by expletives and escaping the stage while being pelted with debris. Lawrence's reaction to his less than pleasant reception? "Whoa!"... Hammers Safety, Ted "Too Small" Droughns, made a point to address the media Tuesday and state that he "does NOT guarantee a victory" in next week's game... And it was reported that Kurt Warner had trouble leaving his Seattle hotel on Monday morning after his room and hallway were flooded with flowers and gifts by Silver Hammers fans, appreciative of his 5 interceptions thrown on Sunday (a 36 point swing in favor of MSH, who won the game by 31). [Thanks to Wayne (Agate Types) for pointing out that little tidbit]

Silver Hammers Fell Another Giant To Streak Into Playoffs With 5 Straight Wins

'Once upon a time there was a boy named Jack, who sold his prize cow for some magic beans...' Maxwell's Silver Hammers have embodied the spirit of the fabled character from the Jack And The Beanstalk fairy tale to defeat yet another FFFL giant by a score of 166-145. The upset win against the #1 ranked Las Cruces Fightin' Powder Puffs keeps the Hammers rolling into the playoffs with their 5th consecutive win. And it was "deja vu all over again" reminiscent of MSH's week 10 defeat of The Curley Wolves, who at that time had the best record in the league. Seeded 4th in the upcoming FFFL playoffs, the Hammers confidence is soaring with the knowledge that they have beaten the #1 and #2 seeds and have battled to a week 1 draw versus the #3 seed Texas Thunderbolts. This weeks star players were Tony Romo (58 pts), Willis McGahee (28 pts) and the Baltimore Ravens defense (who do not play for the Hammers, but held the Puffs' Tom Brady to 40 pts). Next week's matchup is against the 5th seeded 2006 FFFL Champion Rich Chemistry in the much anticipated re-match to settle the 1-1 regular season draw.

Silver Nuggets: The town of Bucksnort is all a buzz, as this week's win clinches the 4th seed and therefore the first ever post-season game in The Quarry, right? Well, maybe. It seems that MSH officials, thinking the chances of a home game in the playoffs as likely as Lindsey Lohan joining AA, have already booked the stadium for the 43rd Annual Convention Of the Grand Mystic Royal Order Of the Nobles of the Ali Baba Temple of the Shrine. But inside sources say that head Shriner, Illustrious Potentate (better known as Bubba) has agreed to move the convention to the local Motel 8 as long as he and his friend Coy can have tickets to the game. ...While Hammers owner, Erick Byrd, claims that his recent trip to California was merely to "urge the TV writers guild to end their strike so [he] can see Lost sometime this season", the rumor mill continues to churn out reports of Byrd shopping in other markets for a new stadium. Recently, he was said to be considering such thriving metropoli as Sucker Flat, CA, Blue Ball, DE, Roachtown, IL, Beans Corner Bingo, ME, Nimrod, MN, Tick Bite, NC, Nuttsville, VA, and Big Ugly, WV. Also in the running is Houston, TX, reportedly so that Byrd's friend Charles Gordon can have a decent football team in town.

4th Straight Win Clinches Playoff Birth

Maxwell's Silver Hammers upset Rich Chemistry by a score of 172-154, thanks in large part to the return of "Ocho-Cinco" and the Philly pass defense. Chad Johnson surprised all by catching 12 receptions for 103 yards and 3 touchdowns to put up a whopping 43 points. Even more surprisingly, Rich Chemistry's star receiver Randy Moss was held to only 9 fantasy points by the Eagles defense. Combined with another solid performance by Jamal Lewis (25 pts on 134 yards and 1 TD), the Silver Hammers roll to their 4th straight victory and will be heading to the playoffs in two weeks, possibly playing Rich Chemistry in a rematch. MSH owner, Erick Byrd was quoted as saying, "This victory was the culmination of 50% preparation, 50% excellent play, and 50% luck! ...what? that's 150%? ...uh, well, UNT grads were never that good with math." The Hammers (8-4-1) also took the 2nd place position in the Immortal Division from Rich Chemistry (8-5) by virtue of MSH's tie in week 1. However, that may be short-lived since the Hammers' next opponent is the league-leading 10-3 Las Cruces Fightin' Powder Puffs, who are currently favored by 11 points in the final regular season matchup.

Silver Nuggets: Rumors abound as Erick Byrd will be flying to California on an alleged "business trip" this week. There is some speculation that Byrd is looking to relocate the Silver Hammers home stadium after the town of Bucksnort, Tennessee has refused to pay for renovations to Lennon-Harrison Memorial Stadium. Byrd wants to add 500 luxury suites to keep up with the growing demand from celebrity fans and is also said to be drafting a bid for the 2010 FFFL Fantasy Bowl. Bucksnort locals are upset over Byrd's plans to sell 30-year seat licenses in 2008 for the minimum of $20,000 per seat. Bucksnort Mayor, the Honorable Buford T. Justice had this to say: "The prices are outrageous! The only celebrities we have in town are Big and Lil Enos Burdette and they've already lost a fortune to the Bandit, so I don't think they'll be able to afford those tickets, let alone any luxury suite." ...Despite various offers from cable and network stations, Chad Johnson has declined all offers to work as a cameraman during the off-season. ...As notorious marijuana enthusiast Ricky Williams returns to the NFL, the Silver Hammers held a special open try-out to see if other pot-heads have what it takes to play. Results? Tommy Chong and Willie Nelson were too old, Sid and Marty Krofft were too stoned, and Dave Chapelle decided not to show.

Hammers Victorious In Final Regular Season Home Game; Extend Win Streak To 3

The Silver Hammers are on a roll, winning their 3rd straight game to improve to a 7-4-1 record and, with only 2 more games remaining, are now guaranteed a winning record for the regular season. In front of a sold out home crowd, the Tony Romo (57 pts) lead Maxwell's Silver Hammers beat division rivals The Leathernecks by a score of 162-123. MSH continued to benefit from strong play at the RB position with Willis McGahee (23 pts) and Jamal Lewis (22 pts) putting up "A-game" numbers. Next, the Hammers take on last year's FFFL Champion Rich Chemistry (8-4) in another intra-division matchup. With a chance to secure a wild-card playoff position, the Hammers will be pumped up for the Thanksgiving weekend battle. So to paraphrase T.O., "Get your turkey legs ready!"


Silver Nuggets: Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr made a surprise appearance for the Hammers' final regular season half-time entertainment show. Joining the former Beatles on stage were Julian Lennon and Dhani Harrison, the sons of the late John Lennon and George Harrison, making the performance the closest thing to a Beatles reunion since George Harrison's passing in 2001. The "Beatles" performed "Hello Goodbye", "Twist and Shout", "Get Back" and of course, "Maxwell's Silver Hammer". However, due to the fact that the mini-concert was not promoted and the track-record of incredibly awful half-time entertainment in previous Hammers home games, nearly all of the sold-out stadium were in line for drinks on the concourse and completely missed the show...Hammers owner, Erick Byrd, in a rare moment of compassion, decided to pardon a Thanksgiving turkey today, borrowing from The President's honored yearly tradition, but then rescinded the decision at the last minute and ordered turkey club sandwich's for the entire team. Said Byrd, "I'm not really a big fan of turkey meat. I just wanted to piss off those wackos at PETA. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!"

Miracle Season Continues; Hammers Defeat Wolves

Just when you thought Maxwell's Silver Hammers season couldn't hold any more surprises, the improbable happens and the Hammers wake up to find that the 143-109 score over the Curley Wolves was not a dream. Thanks, in part to a lackluster performance by FFFL's top-ranked team, the Hammers escape from The Wolves Den with an upset victory, a 6-4-1 record, and a real chance to finish the regular season with a winning record. But the road ahead is a tough one, as the Hammers will have to "bang-bang" their way through the Immortal Division, facing The Leathernecks (4-7), Rich Chemistry (8-3) and Las Cruces Fightin' Powder Puffs (8-3) in the final three games before playoffs.

This week's star players were Tony Romo (53 pts), who seems determined to carry the team on his back every week, and the Seattle Defense (34 pts), once again owning the 49ers number. Heath Miller (18 pts) also had another solid game, continuing to prove that MSH's week 2 pickup of Miller from waivers to likely be the smartest move the team has made this season.

Silver Nuggets: The revolving door to the Hammers team offices briefly caught fire Sunday night after the team made it's 18th roster change since the season started. Building maintenance will replace the bearings and add more grease as the team nears the playoffs... In response to Paris Hilton's reported concern for increasing incidents of wild elephants going berserk in northeast India, Hammers owner Erick Byrd has announced his concern for hotel heiresses going berserk in southern California... although not an MSH product, the franchise plans to endorse the "Hammer Bar" as their unofficial energy bar. No word yet if the same consideration will be given to Arm & Hammer baking soda.

Silver Hammers Beat War Ducks - Proclaim Themselves "The Greatest"

With a thorough 172-119 victory over the expansion War Ducks, Maxwell's Silver Hammers can place a check mark by their final goal for the season. Those goals were to have a respectable showing against Erick Byrd's former team, the Peon Gorillas, and to be the best of the three expansion teams of 2007. Already besting both the Agate Types and the Peon Gorillas, the Hammers completed the trifecta Monday by defeating the War Ducks. In a post game interview, Hammers owner Byrd declared, "We are the greatest! ...expansion team in 2007, that is. Honestly, I was doubtful that we would win more than four games the whole season, so our 5-4-1 record is wonderful." When asked whether any new goals have been made, Byrd said, "I've got two, make the playoffs and win a playoff game. Those were the second year goals, but we've stepped them up to this year." The Hammers victory can be credited to the continuing surprise year from Tony Romo (54 pts) and a four touchdown game by Jamal Lewis (37 pts), with help from a solid Packers defense (28 pts). Looking forward, the Hammers take on their most formidable opponent, the league leading 8-2 Curley Wolves. The current line on the Curley Wolves vs. Silver Hammers game is -7.1 in favor of the Hammers, leading this reporter to wonder what crackhead is running the line on the FFFL league site. MSH will need to have big games from all starters to have any chance at defeating the Wolves. And that may be a tall order, considering that the Hammers 2nd best receivers, Laveranues Coles, will be on a Bye week and it is not certain that top receiver Chad Johnson will play after a strained neck in last week's game.

Silver Nuggets: Heather Mills, the estranged wife of former Beatle and writer of the song Maxwell's Silver Hammer, Sir Paul McCartney, has laid a claim to Silver Hammers' profits in recent divorce proceedings. While still claiming that she didn't marry Paul for his money, she has proceeded to demand over 50% of his estate, and has now staked a claim to 50% of all MSH profits from home game ticket sales and merchandising, as well as future TV contracts. When told that the Maxwell's Silver Hammers was not owned by McCartney and was only a "fantasy" football team, thus having no earnings to speak of, Mills went into a tirade and threatened the Hammers owner. In response, Byrd has reportedly inquired about hiring Yoko Ono as an extra bodyguard, giving her an opportunity to defend her title of most hated Beatle wife... After a dismal first half of the season, the MSH Promotions department is struggling to fill acts for half-time entertainment. This past week, the "talent" that was presented was yet another 80's retro act, Buckner And Garcia, who performed their 1982 hit "Pac-Man Fever"... Fearing that the recent writers strike in Hollywood will increase gaps between new episodes of LOST even more than in seasons past, Byrd - a self proclaimed LOST fanatic - stated he available for hire to finish this season's remaining episodes. Byrd's LOST scripts will reportedly include a story twist where Charlie is brought back to life, the Silver Hammers team arrives on the island to defeat the evil Others, and then drafts Hurley as an offensive lineman.

Hammers Suffer Devastating Loss, Consider Name Change

Just one week after riding a surge of excitement and promise for the franchise, the Hammers suffer a devastating loss to the Wild Bunch, only scoring 94 points, a team record low, to the Bunch's 142. "We expected a drop in scoring with our best quarterback, running back and kicker on a bye week, but this is dismal," said team owner Erick Byrd. The loss brings Maxwell's Silver Hammers back to an even 4-4-1 and back to 3rd place in FFFL's Immortal division. LenDale White was the only star for the Hammers, gaining 133 yards on the ground. But without a touchdown, White could only muster 17 fantasy points. Of the 9 starters, 5 scored in single digits. Normally dependable WR Laveranues Coles had an abysmal week, only scoring 2 points. The Hammers still have hopes for one of the eight playoff spots, as they are now tied for 6th best record overall with five games remaining, and will get another shot to secure their standing with the upcoming expansion rivalry game against the War Ducks.

After yet another disappointing loss following a big win, the up and down emotions have the Hammers feeling like an amusement thrill ride of late - so much so that Byrd is considering a name change to the Helter Skelters. In the US the term means "confused" and "disorganized", but in Britain it refers to an amusement park ride with a slide built in a spiral around a high tower. The Beatles song of the same name includes the lyrics "when I get to the bottom I go back to the top of the slide, where I stop and turn and I go for a ride, till I get to the bottom and I see you again." Byrd originally considered using the name for the team, but was worried about negative feedback associated with the term, which non-Beatle fans often associate with the Charles Manson murders. In a post game press conference, the owner said that he is only toying with the idea, stating that he would wait out the remainder of the season to make any decisions.

Silver Nuggets: Tony Romo's Hammers teammates are a bit concerned over the mental state of their star QB after he was recently seen enjoying the company of Britney Spears at a popular Hollywood club. Any possible relationship is just rumor and speculation at this point, but the team is monitoring the situation, and have not ruled out an intervention, if it comes to that. Said one teammate, who asked to remain anonymous: "Dude's messed up if he gonna tap dat. Shawty's all kinda crazy." ...Due to recent inactivity, it is rumored that one of the FFFL owners may have either entered the witness protection program or in fact have been whacked by Sopranos mobster Paulie Walnuts. Anyone with information as to the whereabouts of Leathernecks owner Chantz Wilson is asked to forward that information to the FFBI (Fantasy Football Bureau of Investigations). ...Hammer-mania update: recently joining the unofficial Silver Hammers' fanclub were Bob The Builder, Handy Smurf, Mario, Triple H and President George W. Bush.

Michael Moore also asked to join the MSH fanclub, but was denied membership. Said Byrd, "Sorry dude, fictional filmmakers posing as documentary filmmakers are restricted."