Back to the Future and Front to the Past (?): The Lost Owner Mystery Revealed

Well, I'm back. You may not believe the story of my absence from this blog, but it's so amazing I have to tell it anyway. Besides, my fans (all three of them) deserve to know the truth and get caught up on how the Silver Hammers competed the past three seasons.

It all started in mid-November 2008. While sulking over the miserable start to the Hammers second FFFL season and a failed attempt to convince myself that people actually read this blog, I decided to go for a ride in my Mazda MPV time machine. Yeah, I know what you're thinking - but hey, a DeLorean only sits two and I have kids to pick up from daycare. Anyway, the van's flux capacitor got stuck on March 30, 1967 and as I was overtaking an ice cream truck on I-20, I invariably hit the celebrated 88 mph, sending me back in time to the day of the Beatles photo shoot for the famous Sgt Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band album cover. How I ended up in London is beyond me, but while there I reckoned I'd pay a visit to the Fab Four. Well, I don't want to brag, but we hit it off so well, that I was invited to be in the group shot for the album. I'll let you try to figure out where I'm at...

To make a long story short, I ended up palling around with "the boys" from Liverpool for the next few weeks while waiting for the Mazda to be fixed. Remarkably, parts for a 2001 Mazda are hard to come by in 1967. But eventually Her Majesty's auto service was able to find suitable replacement parts. Unfortunately, I could only get the time machine to reset to 2011, thereby losing touch with the last three seasons of blog entries for The Silver Hammers FFFL team. Fortunately, when I arrived back here, I discovered that I had actually jumped to a parallel universe, a-la "Lost"-style and that my original dimension self had continued to run the Hammers football program well enough to finish 8th in 2008, 2nd in 2009, and 5th in 2010.

By the way, while in 1967 London, I ran into a 6-year old Jeremy Clarkson, who had a great idea for a new car magazine show for television called "Top Gear". When I arrived back in 2011, it turns out this little nutter was actually on to something pretty big. So to honor the success of this new found favorite show of mine, I renamed the "Silver Hammers" fantasy football team to "Top Gear". I invite you to join me for more fantasy football adventures on the new blog site for Top Gear FFC at http://topgearffc.blogspot.com - Coming Soon

[Disclaimer: Don't believe everything you read on the Net. Any idiot with a computer and extra time on his hands can spin a yarn. This blog is living proof. If you don't believe me, I dare you to read up on the past blog entries from 2007 and 2008.]

Blogger Kidnapped And Held For Ransom

This message is from Mr. Pink...ah, I mean Mr. White. I have taken your precious little nerd blogger hostage using the very finest in prisoner restraints (see above). He is still alive, but has been severely tortured with videotapes of The View and Oprah. He has also been forced to endure meals of tofu burgers and repeated listening to Biz Markie's "Just A Friend" and "Non-Stop Macarena". If you ever want to read this blog again, you will do as we say. At least 4 regular readers must respond with a comment to this blog telling me at least one rock/pop song that you don't understand the meaning of. Click on the "[#] Comments" link below.

Cinderella First Season Leaves Hammers With A Second Season Hangover

The Silvers Hammers suffered a devastating double-header loss in their openers to start the season in the hole 0-2. It appears that the surprise success of last season has left the Hammers with a Dean Martin sized hangover, losing by scores of 97-118 to the Peon Gorillas and 97-125 to the Wild Bunch. The sluggish start began early as the team's starting running backs, McGahee and Lewis, both game-time decisions, were benched in favor of backups Taylor and Williams. In fact, roughly half of the team is currently suffering from some sort of injury, leaving Hammers' head coach with few options. Byrd decided to go with a double tight-end setup, hoping Heath Miller could stop the bleeding. But alas, he could not, only scoring 5 points; which is not that bad when only 3 of the starting 9 scored in double digits. The low points were the Seattle defense with a big goose egg, Ocho Cinco scoring only 3 points and the Taylor-Williams backfield only scoring 9 points combined. The few highlights were posted by the always reliable Romo (46 points), Greg Jennings (14 points) and Gates (13 points). The 97 points was the second lowest point total in team history, beating the previous low by only 1 point.

FFFL News: The golden boy Tom Brady suffered a season ending knee injury, leaving the Powder Puffs owner Chess Ward to wonder if some of the Peon Gorillas infamous bad luck has moved to Las Cruces... Thunderbolts owner Tony Fox continues the Bolt Dynasty with this week's top scoring RB and 2nd best QB, while scoring the most points in the first week with 169. And to pour salt on our collective wound, he has recently picked up from waivers this week's top TE and yes the "defender of the week" (inside joke) Arizona Cardinals defense.

Silver Nuggets: Chad Johnson's legal name change to Chad Ocho Cinco has caused a disturbance in the Hammers locker room as fellow Silver Hammers Antonio Gates and Greg Jennings each expressed interest to follow suit and name themselves after their jersey number. Both changed their mind when they realized they would share the same surname as the former Johnson. No news yet whether Romo has decided to change his name to "El Super Nueve"... Ricky Williams was asked how it feels to start in the FFFL again and was quoted as saying "Dude, sweet!"... Halftime entertainment at the Hammers opening game was a surprise guest of Williams, none other than Dave Matthews. When asked how it felt to perform in front of a fantasy football crowd, Matthews was quoted as saying "Dude, sweet!"

A Solid Draft Puts The Hammers In Position To Finish...Uh, Eh, About the Same

The Silver Hammers selected its "dirty dozen" to go with the team's keeper "four horsemen". Overall the July 26th FFFL draft was a good one, but with aging injury-prone stars and a few psychological "risks", the Hammers will likely not budge in the overall standings this year. Introducing the Silver Hammers 2008 draft class (in order drafted): Antonio Gates (TE), Greg Jennings (WR), Seattle (DEF), Fred Taylor (RB), Bobby Engram (WR), Heath Miller (TE), Jon Kitna (QB), Javon Walker (WR), Mason Crosby (K), Tampa Bay (DEF), Jason Wright (RB), and Ricky Williams (RB).




Team owner Erick Byrd likes the outcome of the draft, even though there are some questions going forward. "It's likely that some of the later round picks will be waived prior to game 1 or early in the season, but we are hoping that they play out and show us some surprises." Byrd denied that the surprise last round pick of "former" marijuana enthusiast Ricky Williams was simply a publicity stunt. "No-no, we expect great things from Ricky. He is a fine upstanding citizen and we are very impressed with his attitude. And his homemade brownies are awesome - I just can't seem to stop craving them."


FFFL News: An interesting police blotter came out the day after the draft. The Texas Thunderbolts called the station to report the theft of it's cherished San Diego Defense. 'Bolts owner Tony Fox was later seen roaming the streets in the rain screaming out "Shawne!" ...Agate Types broke a draft record by picking five unproven rookies, some that had to have handwritten stickers made for the draft board. Owner Wayne Carter has drafted a youthful team for a future run at the championship and if all goes well, should be ready by the year 2045. ...and finally, it only took 6 rounds for a team to take on chance on Bret Favre's possible return, when the Ruskies picked him 66th overall. Given Favre's subsequent trade to the Jets, owner Michael Kusik may have gotten the biggest steal of the draft.


Silver Nuggets: Hammers' WR Chad Johnson may have finally gone off the deep end. Not only has Johnson started legal proceedings to officially change his last name to "Ocho Cinco", he also claims that he can outswim Michael Phelps. ...And another first, the previous Nugget is not fictional.

Silver Hammers Prepare For 2008 Season

While our grounds crew "races" (get it?) to get the field ready for football, the Silver Hammers have kept busy this off-season by resigning four keepers to 1-year contracts. Willis McGahee, Jamal Lewis and Chad Johnson will rejoin FFFL superstar Tony Romo as the four pillars of the SH offense. Trying to divert rumors that Chad Johnson was asking to be traded, team owner, GM, and coach Erick Byrd said, "We think CJ still has the ability to be the top receiver in the league and has maintained steady yardage in the past few years. The TD's are what's lacking. The real problem is that Johnson is an attention hound and Romo is Bucksnort's golden boy. So, I promised him that if he would score 15 TD's this year, I would pay for a postseason weekend in Mexico with a celebrity starlet. I have Lindsey Lohan's number waiting in my Rolodex."

Silver Nuggets: "Maxwell" has been dropped like a silver hammer, the name that is. The team has decided to drop its possessive from the official team moniker. Beginning this season the team will simply be known as the "Silver Hammers". When asked for the reasoning behind the decision, Byrd gave many reasons, saying that the original team name, "Maxwell's Silver Hammers", was meant as a tribute to the Beatles, but the reference was lost with some of the backwoods fans of Bucksnort. In addition, the name was a bit long and the team will save quite a bit of money on uniform lettering. But the biggest reason: "It worked for the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, so I thought, 'What the hell?'"...Fans began to line up outside Lennon-Harrison Memorial Stadium this week in anticipation of season ticket sales, but few tickets were sold when fans later discovered they were not in line to audition for American Idol. ...You may be asking yourself, "Who is this man behind the Silver Hammers?" Well, here's a profile (with apologies to Dos Equis):

His charm is so obnoxious, it's bottled and sold as repellent.
Years ago, he built a city out of blocks. Today, two hamsters and a gerbil live there.
He is the only man to ever flunk the Rorschach test.
Every time he goes for a swim, lifeguards appear.
Alien abductors have no interest whatsoever in probing him.
If he were to give you directions, you'd get lost and arrive two hours late.
His legend precedes him, the way a fart precedes the smell.
He is... the least interesting man in the world.
"I don't always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer Milwaukee's Beast, uh-er Best. Stay thirsty, my friends." - Byrd

Maxwell's Silver Hammers Fizzle Down Stretch To Finish 4th

Finishing the 2007 FFFL season on a downhill slide, the Silver Hammers lose their final playoff game 127-139 to the Las Cruces Powder Puffs to finish fourth in the standings behind the Puffs (3rd), Curley Wolves (2nd), and this year's FFFL Champion Texas Thunderbolts. While the season finale was a disappointment, MSH owner Erick Byrd said, "The season as a whole was a delightful surprise. My only aspirations going in were to be competitive, so I'm more than happy with the outcome. Although the champion's trophy would have been nice. Congratulations Tony, you deserve it." When asked if having the previous experience in 2006 of being a co-owner was helpful, Byrd said, "Heck yeah man! I'm grateful to Jim and the Peon Gorillas for getting my foot in the door and to Tony for allowing me the opportunity to field my own team this year. You could say that was like being a 'red-shirt freshman'. I had the benefit of learning from other owners for a year, which gave me a big advantage this year over the 'true freshmen', Wayne and Johnny. But next year should be even more challenging since there won't be any rookie owners. We won't be able to use an excuse of being a newbie and I'm sure that I'll be difficult to match the beginners luck I had in 2007." Predictions for next year? "We'll go all the way in 2008! And the football team won't be bad either." (nudge-nudge wink-wink, say no more)

Silver Nuggets: The Silver Hammers Blog was interrupted last week when reporters covering the final playoff game were run over by Jolly Old Saint Nick in a freak traffic accident. According to inside sources, Santa had an egg nog to blood ratio of .20, twice the legal limit for reindeer-powered sleighs. But Kris Kringle was released from incarceration on good behavior just in time for Christmas. (Actually, I was either preparing for or on my Christmas vacation in Florida and Alabama the last 2 weeks without the free time or a decent Internet connection to provide the update. My apologies for the delay.) ...Due to the lackluster December performances of Hammers QB Tony Romo and the suspected influence of Jessica Simpson on that performance, the team has forbid him to date any more singers, actresses, models, cheerleaders, heiresses, famous personalities, women with blonde hair (natural or died), women named Jessica, Britney, or Carrie, anyone wearing a pink football jersey, or any woman otherwise hot enough to get more TV coverage than the average fan. The team has provided the following composite of the ideal date for Tony with the intention that this type of female should keep his attentions solely to football.
More News Of The Weird: The recent Silver Hammers Blog Survey results are in and to the astonishment of the blog staff, an overwhelming majority of FFFL owners, as well as friends of MSH owner Erick Byrd, have indicated their continued support for this Blog to continue during the 2008 FFFL season. I'm not sure how many of you were sober and/or were mentally stable when taking the poll, but I cannot argue with the numbers. So, I am happy to announce that the Silver Hammers Blog will return in 2008, with the next update to be posted sometime before the next draft. Have a great off-season!!
Even More News Of The Weird: The aforementioned survey also indicated that some of you had an interest in a general musings blog, something like a late 30's Dave Barry humorous view of fatherhood with sprinkles of music trivia and political opinions mixed in. That is planned for sometime in the off-season and more information will be distributed as the blog develops. What can I say, you're all just gluttons for punishment.

Fans greet the Silver Hammers arriving home at Bucksnort International Airport to celebrate a remarkable season (...or was this from the Patrick Dempsey appearance at Bucksnort's Annual Deer Jerky Festival?)

Wolves Victory Ends The Hammers Championship Dreams

As the saying goes, "slow and steady wins the race." The Curley Wolves may not have been slow, but they certainly were steady in their semifinal win over the Silver Hammers. While the Hammers struggled to get points, the Wolves' had very steady even production from all its starters to achieve a 146-98 victory and advance to play the Texas Thunderbolts in the FFFL Bowl championship game. Six of the nine starters for the Curley Wolves were in double figures and three of those had 22 or more points. Maxwell's Silver Hammers have been relying on Tony Romo to carry the team, but the star quarterback's streak of fantastic play ended with a mere 15 points. And aside from another good game from Jamal Lewis (22 pts), the rest of the MSH starters just couldn't make up the difference. The Hammers will now face Las Cruces Fightin' Powderpuffs in the final game to decide 3rd place.

Silver Nuggets: Amid fears of increasing speculation that Tom Brady is actually a robot created in Dexter's Lab, Brady's handlers tuned down his performance settings to make him appear more human (14 completions, 140 yards, 0 TD, 1 Int). While the ploy appeared to have worked with the public in general, this reporter is not fooled. Robo-Brady still led the Pats to another win, staying on track for a perfect season... Frosty the Snowman made a brief appearance in Bucksnort late last week, but quickly left for Canada after seeing an Al Gore speech on TV warning people about global warming. However, Sam The Snowman stated in a MSH exclusive that the Gore story is "a buncha hooey". "Frosty's not scared of global warming. He's scared of those bogus outstanding warrants for stealing that magician's hat." Sam, who was sporting a Free Frosty t-shirt, went on to say, "Frosty's getting a bad rap. It was those hooligan kids who took the hat."... Initial reports that commercials being produced for the FFFL Bowl were ranging in price from $1 to $2 million are being retracted. It seems that the teletype for the newswire got stuck at just the right time and added 6 unnecessary zeros to the figures. Since the FFFL Bowl is only being shown on local cable access television in Aurora, Illinois, a further mystery has arisen over who is behind the $2 commercials. A spokesman at Right Knidder news group said the story was submitted by Campbell & Algar's Party-On Advertising, but a search for the business has only led to a middle-class Aurora residence.