Hammers Get Powdered By Puffs; Drop 2nd Straight At Home

Despite a standout game from kicker Matt Stover (above), the Silver Hammers continue to struggle at home, losing 188-160. The Las Cruces Fightin' Powder Puffs got superior production from Tom Brady (right) and Brian Westbrook (left), who collectively garnered 113 of the Puffs' total points. The Hammers week 3 point total of 160, along with the 162 and 167 points scored in weeks 1 and 2, brings their average point production to 163, which was originally thought to be enough to win versus most teams in the FFFL, but now appears just average. The team still has a power ranking of 42.44, which is 3rd in the league, so hopes are still high for more wins to come. The Hammers (1-2-1) still have the best record of the 3 expansion teams. Hammer stars this week included Tony Romo (50 pts), Chad Johnson (25 pts), and Stover (16 pts). On a positive note, Byrd must have found that crystal ball he was searching for, because other than the decision to play Green Bay's defense instead of Seattle, he was right on all starting lineup decisions.

Silver Nuggets: ...Maxwell's Silver Hammers have made a few changes to the bench, dropping TE LJ Smith and WR Donte Stallworth, picking up Ben Watson (left) and Mike Furrey to fill their shoes. Said Byrd, "We just couldn't wait for their lack of production to come around with valuable free agents available. We offered Donte the opportunity to stay on as a water boy, but I think he had to honor his prior commitment to carry Randy Moss' jock strap for the remainder of the season." .... famed Miami Vice Theme composer Jan Hammer was this week's surprise half-time entertainment, but the crowd became hostile after he refused to play his famous one-hit wonder instrumental, deciding to promote his newer material. Said one fan, "New material?!" ...Hammers' Owner, GM, and head coach Erick Byrd was offered a spot on the reality TV show "Break-Dancing With The Stars", but Byrd has declined, stating "I don't need a reality show to prove how low a team owner can sink for publicity." No comment yet from Mark Cuban.

Hammers Lose To Defending Champs; Assistant Coach Caught Spying

The Hammers were handed their first loss in franchise history and the few hopes of a possible miracle undefeated season were stamped out quicker than Terrell Owens getting penalized for excessive celebration. The Silver Hammers added another 5 points to last week's score, finishing with 167 points, but Rich Chemistry's 224 was just too much for our boys in blue. Tony Romo put together a quality performance this week, but it was nowhere near the heroics of week 1, knocking his "Superman" status down a notch to that of "Underdog" level. The Hammers are still struggling to find the right flex combination, this week opting to start RB Chris Brown. However, Brown's numbers were down from last week as LenDale White got the Tennessee Titans attention in the backfield. On a positive note, the Hammers got above par performances from Chad Johnson and Jamal Lewis in the Bengals-Browns scorefest, with 48 and 32 fantasy points respectively. And Isaac Bruce surprised everyone with a 25 point game, but was not in the lineup due to a poor week 1 outing. Said Owner, GM and Head Coach Erick Byrd: "We have had excellent production from some of our benchwarmers. The problem is that it is not been consistent each week and I don't have a crystal ball to tell me who's bringing their A-game for the week. But, I'm in touch with some local gypsies in search of such a ball and we have interviewed daytime psychic John Edward for a possible position on the coaching staff."

In a related story, it appears that Tom Peepers, an assistant coach for the Silver Hammers, was caught spying by FFFL officials, although it was unclear whether he was trying to steal signals from the opposing team's sideline. Eye-witness testimony appears to clear the coach, claiming he was not filming Rich Chemistry signals, but was, in fact, stalking Heroes hottie Hayden Panettiere, who was rumored to be in attendance.

In other news, attendance picked up for this week's home game after the team's surprising 1-0-1 opening weekend performance. Unfortunately, the Quarry fans were once again treated to sub-par half-time entertainment when Britney Spears attempted another comeback that critics say was even worse than the MTV VMA's, if that's even possible. Spears is shown here trying to work up the crowd with a little help from Hammers LB "Crazy Legs" Woecieski.

Home Opener Not As Big Ticket As Once Believed

It seems the much reported "hot ticket" in Bucksnort this season was not the Hammers home opener as earlier reported. Tales of tickets sold on e-bay for $1,000 turned out to actually be $10.00. "There was a typo in the decimal position," said an embarassed Darik Tailor, Silver Hammers' Press Agent. Instead of a sellout crowd, fans were standing outside The Quarry trying to give away tickets. Inside, musical opening act "MC Hammer" was booed offstage for wearing genie pants. And the police had to be called midway through the 2nd half as drunken Hammer fans, the few that were there, were getting into fights using the game's promotional giveaway, actual silver-painted Craftsman hammers. Said Tailor: "It was probably an ill advised idea to give away something that could be used as a weapon the same night as beer was on sale for $0.25 each - but it looked good on paper." Owner Erick Byrd said of the melee, "Vince Young won't be the only person to get sacked this week."

Applications for the Silver Hammers press agent opening can be mailed or faxed to MSH Personnel, Lennon-Harrison Memorial Stadium, Bucksnort, TN.

Romo Declared "Superman"; Hammers Kiss Their Sister

Thanks to the heroics of starting QB Tony Romo, who scored 63 fantasy points, Maxwell's Silver Hammers got their first win in franchise history, beating the Texas Turf Hounds 162-138. The hard fought battle came down to the players for the Monday night games to seal the deal, but without Romo's All-Pro performance, the Hammers would be starting the season 0-2, instead of 1-0-1. Like many fans, Coach Byrd had concerns whether Romo would bounce back after the muffed hold in last season's first round playoff loss. Could his psyche handle the devastating loss? And was Romo just a one-season flash in the pan upstart All-Pro quarterback? Byrd took a big chance giving up a top draft pick to trade for Romo and it appears that it is paying off. Byrd: "He is the next Superman! I love him! ...uh, but only in a plutonic kind of way, not something gay or anything like that."

In other news, the Hammers get the rare "kiss from their sister" and tie the Thunderbolts, 162-162. Even with LaDainian Tomlinson only gaining 25 yards rushing, he still found a way to get 2 TD's. Byrd: "Are you kidding me!?" Rumours have begun circulating that teams are considering kidnapping as a means of stopping LT. An anonymous insider source was overheard to say, "If he can't play, he can't score - at least that's the theory. Oh, and ROMO IS SUPERMAN!"