Hammers Suffer Devastating Loss, Consider Name Change

Just one week after riding a surge of excitement and promise for the franchise, the Hammers suffer a devastating loss to the Wild Bunch, only scoring 94 points, a team record low, to the Bunch's 142. "We expected a drop in scoring with our best quarterback, running back and kicker on a bye week, but this is dismal," said team owner Erick Byrd. The loss brings Maxwell's Silver Hammers back to an even 4-4-1 and back to 3rd place in FFFL's Immortal division. LenDale White was the only star for the Hammers, gaining 133 yards on the ground. But without a touchdown, White could only muster 17 fantasy points. Of the 9 starters, 5 scored in single digits. Normally dependable WR Laveranues Coles had an abysmal week, only scoring 2 points. The Hammers still have hopes for one of the eight playoff spots, as they are now tied for 6th best record overall with five games remaining, and will get another shot to secure their standing with the upcoming expansion rivalry game against the War Ducks.

After yet another disappointing loss following a big win, the up and down emotions have the Hammers feeling like an amusement thrill ride of late - so much so that Byrd is considering a name change to the Helter Skelters. In the US the term means "confused" and "disorganized", but in Britain it refers to an amusement park ride with a slide built in a spiral around a high tower. The Beatles song of the same name includes the lyrics "when I get to the bottom I go back to the top of the slide, where I stop and turn and I go for a ride, till I get to the bottom and I see you again." Byrd originally considered using the name for the team, but was worried about negative feedback associated with the term, which non-Beatle fans often associate with the Charles Manson murders. In a post game press conference, the owner said that he is only toying with the idea, stating that he would wait out the remainder of the season to make any decisions.

Silver Nuggets: Tony Romo's Hammers teammates are a bit concerned over the mental state of their star QB after he was recently seen enjoying the company of Britney Spears at a popular Hollywood club. Any possible relationship is just rumor and speculation at this point, but the team is monitoring the situation, and have not ruled out an intervention, if it comes to that. Said one teammate, who asked to remain anonymous: "Dude's messed up if he gonna tap dat. Shawty's all kinda crazy." ...Due to recent inactivity, it is rumored that one of the FFFL owners may have either entered the witness protection program or in fact have been whacked by Sopranos mobster Paulie Walnuts. Anyone with information as to the whereabouts of Leathernecks owner Chantz Wilson is asked to forward that information to the FFBI (Fantasy Football Bureau of Investigations). ...Hammer-mania update: recently joining the unofficial Silver Hammers' fanclub were Bob The Builder, Handy Smurf, Mario, Triple H and President George W. Bush.

Michael Moore also asked to join the MSH fanclub, but was denied membership. Said Byrd, "Sorry dude, fictional filmmakers posing as documentary filmmakers are restricted."

180º Turnaround Results In Team Scoring Record

Just one week after Maxwell's Silver Hammers scored the lowest fantasy football score in the team's short history, they doubled the output to score a team record 218 points, more than enough to top the Agate Types respectable 134 points. The win raises the team record to 4-3-1 and puts them back in contention for a possible wildcard playoff spot. Said Hammers owner, Erick Byrd: "The credit goes entirely to the owner, GM, and head coach. And I suppose the players deserve some credit, too." Indeed, aside from injured TE Ben Watson and kicker Matt Stover - who only had scoring opportunities on 2 extra points, all starters scored in double digits, the lowest being 17. The Hammers also tied a team record for TD's in a game with 8. Stars of the game were TE Heath Miller (22 pts) and DEF Seattle Seahawks (47 pts), who were this week's FFFL top scorers for their positions.

Even with the starters clicking on all cylinders, MSH still looked to improve the team once again through waivers. Out are WR's James Jones and Mike Furrey, injured TE Ben Watson, and backup RB Chris Brown. In are WR's Arnaz Battle and Muhsin Muhammed, backup RB Jason Wright, and kicker John Kasay (to fill in for Stover in his Bye week). And although the "young Jedi Knight" Tony Romo (2nd ranked scoring QB for FFFL) will be out next week for his Bye, expectations are high for backup QB Jeff Garcia (8th ranked scoring QB for the FFFL) to keep up the scoring pace and give the Hammers a chance for victory against the Wild Bunch.

Silver Nuggets: ...Another tape was released this week from Osama Bin Laden, but experts have yet to authenticate the recording that reportedly references the Curly Wolves and Tom Brady as "American Imperialists" as well as claiming responsibility for the Peon Gorillas' injury curse. ...Next week's home game will feature a Halloween themed half-time show starring the recently reunited Spice Girls. Fans that are pregnant, have weak hearts or who are easily frightened by has-been comeback acts have been asked to stay home. ..."Hammer-Mania" has taken hold in the Bucksnort community as sales of MSH themed t-shirts have skyrocketed, now out-selling Earnhardt and Big Johnson merchandise combined. The t-shirts can be found at the Exit 172 Stuckey's and all 5 locations of Bubba's Fireworks & Fish Bait Emporium.

Battle of Hammers: "Hammer and Sickle" Prevail

"Bad boys" of the FFFL, the Ruskies defeated Maxwell's Silver Hammers by a score of 109-115, causing a new "Cold War" between Russia and an MSH fan. "We don't like those no good Russian pinko commies and we don't think it's right for them to sponsor a FFFL team," said a Hammers fan and part-time cable installer named Larry. When it was explained to Larry that the Soviet Union no longer exists, Russia is now a democratic nation, and the Ruskies name and the hammer and sickle symbol are a throwback reference to a Communist government that has been defunct since 1991, he simply walked away with a confused look, mumbling something inaudible about the movie Red Dawn and then shouted "Git-R-Done!". Despite the loss, the Hammers benefited from another great game by kicker Matt Stover, who had 5 field goals and an extra point for 18 fantasy points, as well as steady scoring from RB's Willis McGahee and LenDale White, who filled in last minute for the injured Jamal Lewis. The coach's crystal ball appears to be on the fritz, as the benched Green Bay Defense scores 32, while Seattle's Defense got the starting nod and only scored 3 points. Befuddled and visibly upset owner Byrd had this to say, "The Three Stooges could've played better than we did this week. We stunk it up out there." The 109 points are, so far, the lowest by the Silver Hammers.

Silver Nuggets: Some confused fans were turned away at the ticket gate this week over a misread newspaper headline. Apparently the slightly inebriated fans mistook "5-1 Ruskies On Top" to read "51 Brewskies On Tap" and were upset that the stadium only served Russian vodka. ...The Hammers are on the road once again next week versus the Agate Types, but a local radio station is still hyping the game by conducting a call-in contest, giving away a trip and tickets to the game to anyone who knows what an Agate Type is. So far, the team has had no winners, but are considering giving honorable mention tickets to a fan who stated that an Agate Type was "kind of a fence door that is sold at Lowe's"...finally, former fantasy hall-of-famer A.J. Cimson, most famous for his surprise acquittal for running the red light at Green Oaks & Cooper, was recently arrested for breaking into the hotel room of newsman Les Nessman and stealing his coveted Silver Sow award. Said A.J. "Yeah, the award was originally mine, but I sold it 3 years ago. I changed my mind and want it back, so I'm really just taking what is rightfully mine. By the way - I ran the light."

Silver Hammers Achieve First Ever Winning Record; Plans To "Enjoy It While It Lasts"

Thanks to a sub-par performance by Romo that still netted just enough fantasy points, and the always-solid, week-in week-out play by Coles and McGahee and an above-average game from TE Ben Watson, the Hammers overcame a disappointing combo of Lewis, White and Jones (6 pts total, not each - total) to narrowly defeat an ailing Peon Gorillas team 131-126. Said Byrd, "It wasn't our best game, by far, but the whole league had disappointing numbers this week and we are happy to squeak away with a victory, no matter how ugly it was." Ugly or not, excited fans were dancing in the streets of Bucksnort as the win gave their beloved "Quarry" men their first ever winning record. "I'm a winner baby and I'm gonna enjoy it while it lasts!", exclaimed Byrd as he ordered a round of drinks for the house at a late night victory party at JP's Fire & Ice, a combination dance club / hockey rink in downtown Bucksnort owned by his long-time friend John Patterson. However, Byrd and the F&I crowd may have a short celebratory period, as the Hammers go on the road next week to face the formidable Ruskies.

Silver Nuggets: ...Rival commissioner and "madman" Ahmoud Mahmadinejad of the IFFL (Iranian Fantasy Football League), shown here demonstrating his passing motion, gave a speech at the Bucksnort Community College where he controversially stated that there were no flex players in the IFFL, saying that flexing was strictly an American fantasy football "phenomenon" ...Stock prices in Stickum recently skyrocketed after a large anonymous purchase by an undisclosed buyer operating out of the Middle Tennessee area. Any connection to the recent fumble problems by Hammers' WR James Jones (2 of the team's overall 4 fumbles lost this week) or Terrell Owens dropped passes (that take away from Romo's numbers) has yet to be confirmed. ...Half-time entertainment at the Quarry was led by Dr. Teeth & The Electric Mayhem, who used the appearance to announce a "30 cities in 3 days" tour, reuniting after a 23 year hiatus brought about over "musical differences".

First Road Win Evens Up Record

MSH owner Erick Byrd has developed quite a "man-crush" on Tony Romo, and it's not hard to see why. Romo's superstar performance, scoring 63 fantasy points in week 4, topped off a blowout 170-83 upset versus Immortal Division rivals the Leathernecks. The win gave Bucksnort's finest their first road win and evened their record to a respectable 2-2-1. The Seattle defensive unit also had a great game, with 5 forced fumbles, 2 interceptions and 6 sacks, and one QB TKO, to score 36 fantasy points.

"Considering that we're an expansion team, I am more than ecstatic over the success we've had so far", said Byrd in a post-game interview. "Before the season started, we had two goals. We wanted to have the best record of the three expansion teams and we wanted to have a respectable showing versus the Peon Gorillas." Early indications are that the Hammers may be able to accomplish both goals, if not go one better with a win against the battered Gorillas, who are 0-5 after a string of bad luck with player injuries. Before founding the Hammers, Byrd was a part owner of the 2006 Peon Gorillas with his good friend Jim Holland. The success of the Gorillas '06 run at the championship, due in part to the Byrd-Holland partnership, impressed FFFL Commish Tony Fox and opened the door for expansion in 2007. "Jim and I are great friends and even though I wish him success in lifting the injury curse, I have no qualms over destroying him next week", said Byrd.

Silver Nuggets: The Hammers released Isaac Bruce, and signed rookie WR James Jones. Rumors are flying that Bruce will file an age discrimination grievance with the league, but Byrd says "Age has nothing to do with our decision to go with Jones. It's just that Isaac is old and James is young...uh, er...I mean, Isaac has seen his share of years and...uh, er...I mean Isaac is nearing retirement...uh, er...[clears throat]...Isaac is a respectable veteran with loads of experience, but James offers talent that is more in line with the future of our franchise. [failed smile]" ...The Hammers are also considering signing troubled DT Ben "Beanie" Franks to a one-year deal, but must consider that Franks is still serving a 10-game suspension imposed for violating probation on a Beanie Baby charge. Beanie Franks is an avid collector of the stuffed animal, which was outlawed by the league in 2003. ...the Promotions Department has announced that they will no longer be providing free body paint for zealous fans after it was discovered that the body paint was bought from a Chinese toy factory. In lieu of this promotion, the MSH Legal Office will be sponsoring Larry the Lead-Based Painted Llama who will be handing out free American-made toys to children and pamphlets on the dangers of lead poisoning to their parents.

Hammers Get Powdered By Puffs; Drop 2nd Straight At Home

Despite a standout game from kicker Matt Stover (above), the Silver Hammers continue to struggle at home, losing 188-160. The Las Cruces Fightin' Powder Puffs got superior production from Tom Brady (right) and Brian Westbrook (left), who collectively garnered 113 of the Puffs' total points. The Hammers week 3 point total of 160, along with the 162 and 167 points scored in weeks 1 and 2, brings their average point production to 163, which was originally thought to be enough to win versus most teams in the FFFL, but now appears just average. The team still has a power ranking of 42.44, which is 3rd in the league, so hopes are still high for more wins to come. The Hammers (1-2-1) still have the best record of the 3 expansion teams. Hammer stars this week included Tony Romo (50 pts), Chad Johnson (25 pts), and Stover (16 pts). On a positive note, Byrd must have found that crystal ball he was searching for, because other than the decision to play Green Bay's defense instead of Seattle, he was right on all starting lineup decisions.

Silver Nuggets: ...Maxwell's Silver Hammers have made a few changes to the bench, dropping TE LJ Smith and WR Donte Stallworth, picking up Ben Watson (left) and Mike Furrey to fill their shoes. Said Byrd, "We just couldn't wait for their lack of production to come around with valuable free agents available. We offered Donte the opportunity to stay on as a water boy, but I think he had to honor his prior commitment to carry Randy Moss' jock strap for the remainder of the season." .... famed Miami Vice Theme composer Jan Hammer was this week's surprise half-time entertainment, but the crowd became hostile after he refused to play his famous one-hit wonder instrumental, deciding to promote his newer material. Said one fan, "New material?!" ...Hammers' Owner, GM, and head coach Erick Byrd was offered a spot on the reality TV show "Break-Dancing With The Stars", but Byrd has declined, stating "I don't need a reality show to prove how low a team owner can sink for publicity." No comment yet from Mark Cuban.

Hammers Lose To Defending Champs; Assistant Coach Caught Spying

The Hammers were handed their first loss in franchise history and the few hopes of a possible miracle undefeated season were stamped out quicker than Terrell Owens getting penalized for excessive celebration. The Silver Hammers added another 5 points to last week's score, finishing with 167 points, but Rich Chemistry's 224 was just too much for our boys in blue. Tony Romo put together a quality performance this week, but it was nowhere near the heroics of week 1, knocking his "Superman" status down a notch to that of "Underdog" level. The Hammers are still struggling to find the right flex combination, this week opting to start RB Chris Brown. However, Brown's numbers were down from last week as LenDale White got the Tennessee Titans attention in the backfield. On a positive note, the Hammers got above par performances from Chad Johnson and Jamal Lewis in the Bengals-Browns scorefest, with 48 and 32 fantasy points respectively. And Isaac Bruce surprised everyone with a 25 point game, but was not in the lineup due to a poor week 1 outing. Said Owner, GM and Head Coach Erick Byrd: "We have had excellent production from some of our benchwarmers. The problem is that it is not been consistent each week and I don't have a crystal ball to tell me who's bringing their A-game for the week. But, I'm in touch with some local gypsies in search of such a ball and we have interviewed daytime psychic John Edward for a possible position on the coaching staff."

In a related story, it appears that Tom Peepers, an assistant coach for the Silver Hammers, was caught spying by FFFL officials, although it was unclear whether he was trying to steal signals from the opposing team's sideline. Eye-witness testimony appears to clear the coach, claiming he was not filming Rich Chemistry signals, but was, in fact, stalking Heroes hottie Hayden Panettiere, who was rumored to be in attendance.

In other news, attendance picked up for this week's home game after the team's surprising 1-0-1 opening weekend performance. Unfortunately, the Quarry fans were once again treated to sub-par half-time entertainment when Britney Spears attempted another comeback that critics say was even worse than the MTV VMA's, if that's even possible. Spears is shown here trying to work up the crowd with a little help from Hammers LB "Crazy Legs" Woecieski.