Silver Hammers Prepare For 2008 Season

While our grounds crew "races" (get it?) to get the field ready for football, the Silver Hammers have kept busy this off-season by resigning four keepers to 1-year contracts. Willis McGahee, Jamal Lewis and Chad Johnson will rejoin FFFL superstar Tony Romo as the four pillars of the SH offense. Trying to divert rumors that Chad Johnson was asking to be traded, team owner, GM, and coach Erick Byrd said, "We think CJ still has the ability to be the top receiver in the league and has maintained steady yardage in the past few years. The TD's are what's lacking. The real problem is that Johnson is an attention hound and Romo is Bucksnort's golden boy. So, I promised him that if he would score 15 TD's this year, I would pay for a postseason weekend in Mexico with a celebrity starlet. I have Lindsey Lohan's number waiting in my Rolodex."

Silver Nuggets: "Maxwell" has been dropped like a silver hammer, the name that is. The team has decided to drop its possessive from the official team moniker. Beginning this season the team will simply be known as the "Silver Hammers". When asked for the reasoning behind the decision, Byrd gave many reasons, saying that the original team name, "Maxwell's Silver Hammers", was meant as a tribute to the Beatles, but the reference was lost with some of the backwoods fans of Bucksnort. In addition, the name was a bit long and the team will save quite a bit of money on uniform lettering. But the biggest reason: "It worked for the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, so I thought, 'What the hell?'"...Fans began to line up outside Lennon-Harrison Memorial Stadium this week in anticipation of season ticket sales, but few tickets were sold when fans later discovered they were not in line to audition for American Idol. ...You may be asking yourself, "Who is this man behind the Silver Hammers?" Well, here's a profile (with apologies to Dos Equis):

His charm is so obnoxious, it's bottled and sold as repellent.
Years ago, he built a city out of blocks. Today, two hamsters and a gerbil live there.
He is the only man to ever flunk the Rorschach test.
Every time he goes for a swim, lifeguards appear.
Alien abductors have no interest whatsoever in probing him.
If he were to give you directions, you'd get lost and arrive two hours late.
His legend precedes him, the way a fart precedes the smell.
He is... the least interesting man in the world.
"I don't always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer Milwaukee's Beast, uh-er Best. Stay thirsty, my friends." - Byrd

Maxwell's Silver Hammers Fizzle Down Stretch To Finish 4th

Finishing the 2007 FFFL season on a downhill slide, the Silver Hammers lose their final playoff game 127-139 to the Las Cruces Powder Puffs to finish fourth in the standings behind the Puffs (3rd), Curley Wolves (2nd), and this year's FFFL Champion Texas Thunderbolts. While the season finale was a disappointment, MSH owner Erick Byrd said, "The season as a whole was a delightful surprise. My only aspirations going in were to be competitive, so I'm more than happy with the outcome. Although the champion's trophy would have been nice. Congratulations Tony, you deserve it." When asked if having the previous experience in 2006 of being a co-owner was helpful, Byrd said, "Heck yeah man! I'm grateful to Jim and the Peon Gorillas for getting my foot in the door and to Tony for allowing me the opportunity to field my own team this year. You could say that was like being a 'red-shirt freshman'. I had the benefit of learning from other owners for a year, which gave me a big advantage this year over the 'true freshmen', Wayne and Johnny. But next year should be even more challenging since there won't be any rookie owners. We won't be able to use an excuse of being a newbie and I'm sure that I'll be difficult to match the beginners luck I had in 2007." Predictions for next year? "We'll go all the way in 2008! And the football team won't be bad either." (nudge-nudge wink-wink, say no more)

Silver Nuggets: The Silver Hammers Blog was interrupted last week when reporters covering the final playoff game were run over by Jolly Old Saint Nick in a freak traffic accident. According to inside sources, Santa had an egg nog to blood ratio of .20, twice the legal limit for reindeer-powered sleighs. But Kris Kringle was released from incarceration on good behavior just in time for Christmas. (Actually, I was either preparing for or on my Christmas vacation in Florida and Alabama the last 2 weeks without the free time or a decent Internet connection to provide the update. My apologies for the delay.) ...Due to the lackluster December performances of Hammers QB Tony Romo and the suspected influence of Jessica Simpson on that performance, the team has forbid him to date any more singers, actresses, models, cheerleaders, heiresses, famous personalities, women with blonde hair (natural or died), women named Jessica, Britney, or Carrie, anyone wearing a pink football jersey, or any woman otherwise hot enough to get more TV coverage than the average fan. The team has provided the following composite of the ideal date for Tony with the intention that this type of female should keep his attentions solely to football.
More News Of The Weird: The recent Silver Hammers Blog Survey results are in and to the astonishment of the blog staff, an overwhelming majority of FFFL owners, as well as friends of MSH owner Erick Byrd, have indicated their continued support for this Blog to continue during the 2008 FFFL season. I'm not sure how many of you were sober and/or were mentally stable when taking the poll, but I cannot argue with the numbers. So, I am happy to announce that the Silver Hammers Blog will return in 2008, with the next update to be posted sometime before the next draft. Have a great off-season!!
Even More News Of The Weird: The aforementioned survey also indicated that some of you had an interest in a general musings blog, something like a late 30's Dave Barry humorous view of fatherhood with sprinkles of music trivia and political opinions mixed in. That is planned for sometime in the off-season and more information will be distributed as the blog develops. What can I say, you're all just gluttons for punishment.

Fans greet the Silver Hammers arriving home at Bucksnort International Airport to celebrate a remarkable season (...or was this from the Patrick Dempsey appearance at Bucksnort's Annual Deer Jerky Festival?)

Wolves Victory Ends The Hammers Championship Dreams

As the saying goes, "slow and steady wins the race." The Curley Wolves may not have been slow, but they certainly were steady in their semifinal win over the Silver Hammers. While the Hammers struggled to get points, the Wolves' had very steady even production from all its starters to achieve a 146-98 victory and advance to play the Texas Thunderbolts in the FFFL Bowl championship game. Six of the nine starters for the Curley Wolves were in double figures and three of those had 22 or more points. Maxwell's Silver Hammers have been relying on Tony Romo to carry the team, but the star quarterback's streak of fantastic play ended with a mere 15 points. And aside from another good game from Jamal Lewis (22 pts), the rest of the MSH starters just couldn't make up the difference. The Hammers will now face Las Cruces Fightin' Powderpuffs in the final game to decide 3rd place.

Silver Nuggets: Amid fears of increasing speculation that Tom Brady is actually a robot created in Dexter's Lab, Brady's handlers tuned down his performance settings to make him appear more human (14 completions, 140 yards, 0 TD, 1 Int). While the ploy appeared to have worked with the public in general, this reporter is not fooled. Robo-Brady still led the Pats to another win, staying on track for a perfect season... Frosty the Snowman made a brief appearance in Bucksnort late last week, but quickly left for Canada after seeing an Al Gore speech on TV warning people about global warming. However, Sam The Snowman stated in a MSH exclusive that the Gore story is "a buncha hooey". "Frosty's not scared of global warming. He's scared of those bogus outstanding warrants for stealing that magician's hat." Sam, who was sporting a Free Frosty t-shirt, went on to say, "Frosty's getting a bad rap. It was those hooligan kids who took the hat."... Initial reports that commercials being produced for the FFFL Bowl were ranging in price from $1 to $2 million are being retracted. It seems that the teletype for the newswire got stuck at just the right time and added 6 unnecessary zeros to the figures. Since the FFFL Bowl is only being shown on local cable access television in Aurora, Illinois, a further mystery has arisen over who is behind the $2 commercials. A spokesman at Right Knidder news group said the story was submitted by Campbell & Algar's Party-On Advertising, but a search for the business has only led to a middle-class Aurora residence.

Silver Hammers Win Big; Advance To Final Four

Maxwell's Silver Hammers spoiled Rich Chemistry's hopes for a repeat title by benefiting from its own "rich chemistry" of superstar performances. The Hammers 203-172 victory arrived courtesy of the continued remarkable season of QB Tony Romo (66 pts), another high-scoring day for RB's Jamal Lewis (30 pts) and LenDale White (24 pts), and the defensive power of the Seattle Seahawks (41 pts). The only cog missing in the Hammers machine lately is the 3-man WR/TE set who combined for only 25 points. Said MSH owner Erick Byrd, "The receiving corps has been slumping lately, but if we can get them to increase production over the final 2 weeks, we have a really good shot at shocking everyone and taking this thing. Of course, 75% of our success rests on Tony's shoulders. He will have to carry the team." Romo is second only to Tom Brady in fantasy points, who will undoubtedly be this year's fantasy MVP before being sent back to Dexter's Lab for an oil change and tune-up of his robotic circuitry.

Next week, Maxwell's Silver Hammers face the #1 seed Curley Wolves in a re-match of the week #10 game, which the Silver Hammers stole from the Wolves 143-109. The Curley Wolves will be hungry like the wolf for another win after a very close call victory over the Peon Gorillas, 155-152.

Silver Nuggets: After the surprise Beatles pseudo-reunion in the last game at the Quarry, fans made sure to stay in their seats during half-time of what may be the Hammers final home game in the playoffs. And what incredible act did MSH bring out for the big game? What act did they get to follow up McCartney, Starr, Lennon, and Harrison? None other than the vocal stylings of former "Gimme A Break" and "Blossom" star, Joey Lawrence. The child star barely got through his 1993 lone hit Nothin My Love Can't Fix before being drowned out by expletives and escaping the stage while being pelted with debris. Lawrence's reaction to his less than pleasant reception? "Whoa!"... Hammers Safety, Ted "Too Small" Droughns, made a point to address the media Tuesday and state that he "does NOT guarantee a victory" in next week's game... And it was reported that Kurt Warner had trouble leaving his Seattle hotel on Monday morning after his room and hallway were flooded with flowers and gifts by Silver Hammers fans, appreciative of his 5 interceptions thrown on Sunday (a 36 point swing in favor of MSH, who won the game by 31). [Thanks to Wayne (Agate Types) for pointing out that little tidbit]

Silver Hammers Fell Another Giant To Streak Into Playoffs With 5 Straight Wins

'Once upon a time there was a boy named Jack, who sold his prize cow for some magic beans...' Maxwell's Silver Hammers have embodied the spirit of the fabled character from the Jack And The Beanstalk fairy tale to defeat yet another FFFL giant by a score of 166-145. The upset win against the #1 ranked Las Cruces Fightin' Powder Puffs keeps the Hammers rolling into the playoffs with their 5th consecutive win. And it was "deja vu all over again" reminiscent of MSH's week 10 defeat of The Curley Wolves, who at that time had the best record in the league. Seeded 4th in the upcoming FFFL playoffs, the Hammers confidence is soaring with the knowledge that they have beaten the #1 and #2 seeds and have battled to a week 1 draw versus the #3 seed Texas Thunderbolts. This weeks star players were Tony Romo (58 pts), Willis McGahee (28 pts) and the Baltimore Ravens defense (who do not play for the Hammers, but held the Puffs' Tom Brady to 40 pts). Next week's matchup is against the 5th seeded 2006 FFFL Champion Rich Chemistry in the much anticipated re-match to settle the 1-1 regular season draw.

Silver Nuggets: The town of Bucksnort is all a buzz, as this week's win clinches the 4th seed and therefore the first ever post-season game in The Quarry, right? Well, maybe. It seems that MSH officials, thinking the chances of a home game in the playoffs as likely as Lindsey Lohan joining AA, have already booked the stadium for the 43rd Annual Convention Of the Grand Mystic Royal Order Of the Nobles of the Ali Baba Temple of the Shrine. But inside sources say that head Shriner, Illustrious Potentate (better known as Bubba) has agreed to move the convention to the local Motel 8 as long as he and his friend Coy can have tickets to the game. ...While Hammers owner, Erick Byrd, claims that his recent trip to California was merely to "urge the TV writers guild to end their strike so [he] can see Lost sometime this season", the rumor mill continues to churn out reports of Byrd shopping in other markets for a new stadium. Recently, he was said to be considering such thriving metropoli as Sucker Flat, CA, Blue Ball, DE, Roachtown, IL, Beans Corner Bingo, ME, Nimrod, MN, Tick Bite, NC, Nuttsville, VA, and Big Ugly, WV. Also in the running is Houston, TX, reportedly so that Byrd's friend Charles Gordon can have a decent football team in town.

4th Straight Win Clinches Playoff Birth

Maxwell's Silver Hammers upset Rich Chemistry by a score of 172-154, thanks in large part to the return of "Ocho-Cinco" and the Philly pass defense. Chad Johnson surprised all by catching 12 receptions for 103 yards and 3 touchdowns to put up a whopping 43 points. Even more surprisingly, Rich Chemistry's star receiver Randy Moss was held to only 9 fantasy points by the Eagles defense. Combined with another solid performance by Jamal Lewis (25 pts on 134 yards and 1 TD), the Silver Hammers roll to their 4th straight victory and will be heading to the playoffs in two weeks, possibly playing Rich Chemistry in a rematch. MSH owner, Erick Byrd was quoted as saying, "This victory was the culmination of 50% preparation, 50% excellent play, and 50% luck! ...what? that's 150%? ...uh, well, UNT grads were never that good with math." The Hammers (8-4-1) also took the 2nd place position in the Immortal Division from Rich Chemistry (8-5) by virtue of MSH's tie in week 1. However, that may be short-lived since the Hammers' next opponent is the league-leading 10-3 Las Cruces Fightin' Powder Puffs, who are currently favored by 11 points in the final regular season matchup.

Silver Nuggets: Rumors abound as Erick Byrd will be flying to California on an alleged "business trip" this week. There is some speculation that Byrd is looking to relocate the Silver Hammers home stadium after the town of Bucksnort, Tennessee has refused to pay for renovations to Lennon-Harrison Memorial Stadium. Byrd wants to add 500 luxury suites to keep up with the growing demand from celebrity fans and is also said to be drafting a bid for the 2010 FFFL Fantasy Bowl. Bucksnort locals are upset over Byrd's plans to sell 30-year seat licenses in 2008 for the minimum of $20,000 per seat. Bucksnort Mayor, the Honorable Buford T. Justice had this to say: "The prices are outrageous! The only celebrities we have in town are Big and Lil Enos Burdette and they've already lost a fortune to the Bandit, so I don't think they'll be able to afford those tickets, let alone any luxury suite." ...Despite various offers from cable and network stations, Chad Johnson has declined all offers to work as a cameraman during the off-season. ...As notorious marijuana enthusiast Ricky Williams returns to the NFL, the Silver Hammers held a special open try-out to see if other pot-heads have what it takes to play. Results? Tommy Chong and Willie Nelson were too old, Sid and Marty Krofft were too stoned, and Dave Chapelle decided not to show.

Hammers Victorious In Final Regular Season Home Game; Extend Win Streak To 3

The Silver Hammers are on a roll, winning their 3rd straight game to improve to a 7-4-1 record and, with only 2 more games remaining, are now guaranteed a winning record for the regular season. In front of a sold out home crowd, the Tony Romo (57 pts) lead Maxwell's Silver Hammers beat division rivals The Leathernecks by a score of 162-123. MSH continued to benefit from strong play at the RB position with Willis McGahee (23 pts) and Jamal Lewis (22 pts) putting up "A-game" numbers. Next, the Hammers take on last year's FFFL Champion Rich Chemistry (8-4) in another intra-division matchup. With a chance to secure a wild-card playoff position, the Hammers will be pumped up for the Thanksgiving weekend battle. So to paraphrase T.O., "Get your turkey legs ready!"


Silver Nuggets: Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr made a surprise appearance for the Hammers' final regular season half-time entertainment show. Joining the former Beatles on stage were Julian Lennon and Dhani Harrison, the sons of the late John Lennon and George Harrison, making the performance the closest thing to a Beatles reunion since George Harrison's passing in 2001. The "Beatles" performed "Hello Goodbye", "Twist and Shout", "Get Back" and of course, "Maxwell's Silver Hammer". However, due to the fact that the mini-concert was not promoted and the track-record of incredibly awful half-time entertainment in previous Hammers home games, nearly all of the sold-out stadium were in line for drinks on the concourse and completely missed the show...Hammers owner, Erick Byrd, in a rare moment of compassion, decided to pardon a Thanksgiving turkey today, borrowing from The President's honored yearly tradition, but then rescinded the decision at the last minute and ordered turkey club sandwich's for the entire team. Said Byrd, "I'm not really a big fan of turkey meat. I just wanted to piss off those wackos at PETA. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!"